Sunday, July 29, 2012

MIA and Weekly Weigh In (2 weeks late)

First of all, I'm sorry that I have been MIA. I have been having a really hard time lately, and I didn't want to bring all you lovely ladies down. I'm still a passionate follower of you all, and while I don't always get to comment, I think of you all often. These last few weeks have been the most emotional during my journey. I've heard that losing a lot of weight can affect your hormones, and I'm hoping that is the reason for my temporary insanity lately, also hoping that it truly was/is temporary. The truth is, I've been heavy as long as I can remember. I've never had very high self esteem and I'm wondering if I ever will.

First and foremost, while I'd like to thank my ex-husband for my insanity, it isn't all his fault; it started long before he arrived. Truth is, him showing me the attention, that I was getting used too, was all in my head. I haven't had a boyfriend, or even a date, in almost 2 years. NOT that I need a boyfriend to be complete, I just haven't had much exposure to relationships other words, I'm lonely. I swore that I wasn't going to date until I reached my goal weight, because I didn't want some man stalling me in my attempt to become the new 'me'. Back to my ex, after my last post, I hid a few days and didn't say anything to him. Then, my son came home from his Dad's and told me that his Dad's new GF was moving in (ALREADY!) and I lost it. I seriously had a melt down. Not only had he been talking to this woman while trying to bait me, he had been talking to her long enough for her to move it!? WTF?! Well, I decided it would be wise to pick up the phone and tell him about himself - and then it happened. I told him exactly what I felt, even though I promised myself that I wouldn't let him know that I was feeling something for him - out come the tears. I cried and cried, while talking to him, and there I was, the fatty that I've always been, sitting in my big comfy chair, crying about a boy that mistreated me, but that gave me attention. WTF?! That night sent me over the edge and I was in a funk for an entire week. I went to the gym three times that week and walked the nights I didn't go to the gym.

During my weekly weigh in that week, I realized that I had stalled, again. The scale hasn't moved in two weeks and I have been busting my ass, logging everything that I eat, burning more than I eat, etc and still no change!? Is this as far as I will get? So, I'm wondering if the stalling is causing me to feel like the fatty I was, or is the feeling of the fatty I was making me stall? Either way, I have GOT to get OUT OF IT!!

This week, the scale finally moved, but not near as much as I was hoping for, because of all the hard work I was doing. SO, here is where I need your help. According to MyFitnessPal (momojj1123 - in case you want to join me), I should be eating 1200 calories to lose between 1.5-2 pounds per week - BUZZ, WRONG - Ain't working! So, HungryGirl sent out this email last week (directed towards me, I think, lol) about Diet Misconceptions, and while I"m not on a 'diet', there is a place to calculate how many calories you should be consuming,". It says that I should be consuming 1623 calories per day, according to my height, weight, exercise amount and goal weight, with hitting my goal by 02/01/2013. But then, if I change to wanting to meet my goal this year, it says I should consume 1373 calories per day to hit my goal by 12/16/2012, which would be the BEST Christmas present EVER!!! So, my question to you is, how many calories per day do you try for? Have you increased or decreased and seen a difference? At this stage of the game, I'm thinking I'll try most anything.

Anywho, now for something that will make me feel better (temporarily) and keeps me in check:

Weekly Weigh in:

08/22/2011: 299.9 (first consult with surgeon)
10/06/2011: 284 (weight at surgery date)
07/15/2012: 220.8
07/29/2012: 219.4
Loss: -1.4 pounds in two weeks! Boo - but a loss is still a loss!
Total Loss: 80.5

Monday, July 16, 2012

NOT Band Related - Just need to vent

Okay, I'm in need of a bit of a pity party here and I'm not sure why. TOM nearing may have something to do with this, but here goes. 

My son's father and I were married for five years; we separated just before my son's 4th birthday. My husband had been cheating on me with a waitress at our favorite restaurant, that we frequented, for over six months. Even spending the night at her house, she lived with her parents, while we were together - he was 'working all night'. He was a mobile locksmith by trade, so he worked several nights, all night, or so I thought. Anywho, we have been divorced almost 5 years now and since all of this time has passed and he seems to have grown above the level of pond scum, I was starting to see a different person. Well, for the last almost two years, he has had a live-in girlfriend and I was a-okay with that - she deserved him. Several months ago, there was a nasty break-up and he's been single for a few months. In this 'few months' time, he has been texting me constantly, flirting with me, telling me how wonderful I look, etc.etc. He's also been asking my out to dinner on the weekends that he has our son, etc. So, I was just starting to warm up to the idea that maybe, just maybe, something might come out of all of this. He was beginning to become somewhat human to me again. I've changed SO much over the last 9 months and I thought I was immune to his charm and that he was truly trying to chase me. Last weekend was our son's birthday party, which he paid for, and we had it together. We were there together and then we went out to dinner after, just he, my son and I. We had a good time and laughed like we haven't in a while. NOW, while I always told myself that I would NEVER go back there again, because he didn't deserve me, somehow I let the idea slip into my mind.

Well, this past week was kinda quiet, I didn't hear much from him, but I didn't think anything about it. It was my weekend for my son to be home, so we were having a great weekend, etc. Then, late last night, I get this text message from my ex. He says, "Just so you know, I've started dating a girl named Blah. I like her and spend a lot of time with her. That won't interfere with mine and JJs (our son) time but she will be around a lot also". BAM - I feel like I've been punched in the gut, again, by this man. Why, why, why do I let myself down like this?! I simply answered his text with "k". I didn't know what else to say. I don't want him to know that I'm hurt. He doesn't deserve me and still doesn't, so why does this hurt so much? I cried last night - cried hard. I feel so foolish. I haven't had a date, much less boyfriend, in almost three years, since the last douche bag that cheated on me; and now, here he is, getting another girlfriend. 

Ugh. Well, I now have a serious case of the Monday's and just want to go back home and go back to bed. But I will NOT let him win. I will just grumble around today and then go to the gym and beat the crap out of him in my head.

Sniffles...thanks for 'listening'.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Weekly Weigh in and Apologies

Weekly Weigh in:

08/22/2011: 299.9 (first consult with surgeon)
10/06/2011: 284 (weight at surgery date)
06/24/2012: 223.6
07/15/2012: 220.8
Loss: -2.8 pounds in almost three weeks!
Total Loss: 79.1

The last couple of weeks have been hectic. So many things going on in life and I haven't been able to keep up. First and foremost, there hasn't been a lot of 'movement' in many areas of my life. First, the scale hasn't been moving in the right direction and I seriously blame that on water-retention and the dog-days heat of summer. Secondly, for some reason I haven't been 'moving' as often as I used too and I'm starting to 'feel the pain' (TMI, I know, but where else can I go for such great words of wisdom than from you ladies!).

Also, the last couple of weeks, I've been losing sleep at night due to fierce leg and foot cramps. I've been drinking so much water, I can't image what it is from. I notice it mostly the nights I go to the gym.

Also, according to my My Fitness Pal, I haven't been eating enough calories! I've been using 1200 calories a day since my surgery and have noticed loss, most of the time. What is your average daily caloric intake? Am I eating too many calories or am I really not eating enough! I wanna see some more movement in the scale!

I've also had a NSV (non-scale victory) this week. While not trying to, really, I've managed to mow the yard and do yard work every weekend for the last couple of months. We've been getting rain every afternoon and I swear some days I can hear the grass growing, and we've had several coachwhip snakes hanging out in the tall grass in the backyard, so I've been keeping it short so my son can play in the yard without worrying about the snakes. (they don't hang out in short grass!) Anywho, yesterday while rocking on the porch, taking a break from the yard work, my Mom says to me, "You know, a year ago I was concerned about how you were going to take care of this place if something were to happen to your Father and I. I don't worry about that now because you've become so active in the last six months that I have no doubt you can take care of this place!". I wanted to cry - it was the sweetest thing my Mom has said to me in a while. Also, I heard my Dad talking on the phone to one of his friends and I overheard him saying how well I was doing with my weightloss and that he was having a hard time keeping up with me!!! My parents are not lovey-dovey people. To each other, or anyone for that fact. They aren't really huggers or praise-givers! So, to have these type of comments, even if not directly towards me, really means a lot to me!! <grin>

Welp, back to work! Thanks, in advance, for your input on the caloric intake and the,er, movement help!

Have a great week!!

PS - Reuben - I miss you like CRAZY!!!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

I'm a bad blogger!

I will be the first to admit that I'm not good at a lot of things. But, blogging about my success should NOT be one of them. This week has been a realllllllly busy week!! Which is hard to believe, because I'm only went to work for 2 days! But, it was the first week of the quarter for me back at school, ugh. It was the week before my baby boy's birthday and party. And July 4th holiday was right smack dab in the middle of it all. So, my vacation and birthday celebration started when I left work on Tuesday. Then we had a little BBQ (in the oven cause it's too darn hot outside) for the 4th, then we had a little fireworks/sparkler show in the driveway, after the monsoon of a typical afternoon shower in Florida. Then, Thursday, we headed to the beach for the day, because that's what my son wanted to do for his birthday. Then, Friday, my son spent the morning with me and then the rest of the day with his Dad so that I could finish up my bday present shopping for him and get ready for his pool party on Saturday. THEN, I got up early on Saturday morning and made 2 dozen cupcakes for the party and got everything together, then trekked over to the swim school for the party. The swim school is a great place for a pool party - huge heated and covered pool, with lots of chairs and a beautiful garden area - such a great place! Then after the pool party was over, 3 hours later, we headed home. Then, my son's Dad wanted to take me and my (our) birthday boy out for dinner, and the swimming and sun made me hungry, so I was happy to join. So, I was back home by 7 after dinner, the weather was nice out and I knew I had 2 more hours of daylight, so I hopped on the mower and mowed the yard! Whew, was I beat when I was finished!

Then, this AM, after coffee and breakfast, I realized that I hadn't done my weekly weigh in and stepped on the scale - um, yeah, that's not going to count because I had already eaten! Maybe I'll remember in the morning. SO, here it is Sunday, and I'm attached to my computer all day finishing up the homework that I didn't 'have time' to do during the week! I really enjoyed my 'week' off and time with my son for his birthday, but I'm ready to get back to the swing of things!

Whew! Understand why I haven't blogged this week? No wonder my feet hurt!!

Oh, one more thing, when we went to the beach, there is a bridge that we cross over. Last August, we were there taking sunset photos when my Mom snapped one of me - that picture became my "inspiration picture" because I couldn't believe that I let myself get that way. Anywho, we crossed back over that bridge last week and we stopped and took a 'now' picture to compare to last August - Wowza! I don't feel so bad about not losing a pound this week!! 

Check it out:

Hugs to all and I promise to 'try' to be a better blogger this week!! Smooches!

My Loves

My Loves
JJ and Jack!