First of all, I'm sorry that I have been MIA. I have been having a really hard time lately, and I didn't want to bring all you lovely ladies down. I'm still a passionate follower of you all, and while I don't always get to comment, I think of you all often. These last few weeks have been the most emotional during my journey. I've heard that losing a lot of weight can affect your hormones, and I'm hoping that is the reason for my temporary insanity lately, also hoping that it truly was/is temporary. The truth is, I've been heavy as long as I can remember. I've never had very high self esteem and I'm wondering if I ever will.
First and foremost, while I'd like to thank my ex-husband for my insanity, it isn't all his fault; it started long before he arrived. Truth is, him showing me the attention, that I was getting used too, was all in my head. I haven't had a boyfriend, or even a date, in almost 2 years. NOT that I need a boyfriend to be complete, I just haven't had much exposure to relationships lately...in other words, I'm lonely. I swore that I wasn't going to date until I reached my goal weight, because I didn't want some man stalling me in my attempt to become the new 'me'. Back to my ex, after my last post, I hid a few days and didn't say anything to him. Then, my son came home from his Dad's and told me that his Dad's new GF was moving in (ALREADY!) and I lost it. I seriously had a melt down. Not only had he been talking to this woman while trying to bait me, he had been talking to her long enough for her to move it!? WTF?! Well, I decided it would be wise to pick up the phone and tell him about himself - and then it happened. I told him exactly what I felt, even though I promised myself that I wouldn't let him know that I was feeling something for him - out come the tears. I cried and cried, while talking to him, and there I was, the fatty that I've always been, sitting in my big comfy chair, crying about a boy that mistreated me, but that gave me attention. WTF?! That night sent me over the edge and I was in a funk for an entire week. I went to the gym three times that week and walked the nights I didn't go to the gym.
During my weekly weigh in that week, I realized that I had stalled, again. The scale hasn't moved in two weeks and I have been busting my ass, logging everything that I eat, burning more than I eat, etc and still no change!? Is this as far as I will get? So, I'm wondering if the stalling is causing me to feel like the fatty I was, or is the feeling of the fatty I was making me stall? Either way, I have GOT to get OUT OF IT!!
This week, the scale finally moved, but not near as much as I was hoping for, because of all the hard work I was doing. SO, here is where I need your help. According to MyFitnessPal (momojj1123 - in case you want to join me), I should be eating 1200 calories to lose between 1.5-2 pounds per week - BUZZ, WRONG - Ain't working! So, HungryGirl sent out this email last week (directed towards me, I think, lol) about Diet Misconceptions, and while I"m not on a 'diet', there is a place to calculate how many calories you should be consuming, http://caloriecount.about.com/cc/calories-goal.php". It says that I should be consuming 1623 calories per day, according to my height, weight, exercise amount and goal weight, with hitting my goal by 02/01/2013. But then, if I change to wanting to meet my goal this year, it says I should consume 1373 calories per day to hit my goal by 12/16/2012, which would be the BEST Christmas present EVER!!! So, my question to you is, how many calories per day do you try for? Have you increased or decreased and seen a difference? At this stage of the game, I'm thinking I'll try most anything.
Anywho, now for something that will make me feel better (temporarily) and keeps me in check:
Weekly Weigh in:
08/22/2011: 299.9 (first consult with surgeon)
10/06/2011: 284 (weight at surgery date)
Loss: -1.4 pounds in two weeks! Boo - but a loss is still a loss!
Total Loss: 80.5